Just had to ask my dad for money because I’m irresponsible, apparently, and god dammit I feel like such a piece of shit… -dies-

  · October 24, 2013

I honestly just don’t feel like doing anything anymore.

Between my boyfriend and I drifting apart and never hanging out and no foreseeable solution to keep us together and then the shit that school just threw at me today… I just don’t want to do it.

I wish that my mom wasn’t napping so that I could call her and cry and not feel bad about being upset over what happened today.  Four years in college and I still don’t get to graduate until next fucking December.  I need to take fifteen credits next semester and then at least thirteen credits the semester after that.  Or vice versa.  Which is bullshit, because the only class I can take that will get me to thirteen credits is a fucking science class and I really, really do not want to do that.

I thought that I was on track with my credits and classes and everything, but no.  My advisor failed to tell me, all the times that I went in to talk to him about my scheduling and whether or not I was on track, that I was not, in fact, on track.  I’m so frustrated and upset.  And it doesn’t help that I’ve been kind of stressed out over the fact that Weston and I don’t spend any time together any more and we’re more or less just roommates that have sex sometimes and get told “I love you” every now and again rather than in an actual relationship.

I feel horrible about it.  Because I just ruined Weston’s plans to go to Canada next August and, if we go, we’ll either have to move to a place that has a rare six month lease, or we’ll have to renew this lease and move in August 2015.  If we’re even still together at that point…  Things are looking grimmer and grimmer on that respect and I have no idea what the fuck to do about any of it.  I just…feel so lost right now.  Because everything that I was hoping for has just crumbled before me and I don’t know what to do about it.

I mean, honestly, another semester is not that big a deal.  But it means that I don’t get to see any of my family for another year and that sucks for me because I really do miss them terribly.  I mean…fuck.  At this point, I don’t want to do anything right now.  I don’t know.  I’m just so frustrated because I thought that I was going to be able to be done with school and not have to stress out or worry about it anymore, but no.

And, to top it off, I think I may  have maxed out the amount of student loans I can take out.  So I don’t even know if I can get financial aid to go for a single fucking semester next year…

Ugh.  Fuck it.  I don’t care anymore…

  · October 10, 2013

I don’t know exactly what there is to say right now…

I continually grow more and more stressed out over not making any money… My last paycheck (which I picked up on Monday) was $66.  I have $19 left in my bank account, not counting the DisneyLand money I’ve been trying to not touch, even though it’s down to $986 or something because I was an idiot and over-spent and stupid things… My credit card is almost maxed out… I don’t want to tell Weston about all of these fucking problems with money that I’m having because I don’t want him to worry about it… But it’s a constant stress factor.  I have to somehow barely spend $75 out of Weston’s paycheck tomorrow on food and his phone bill (which will be $20) so that we have half of our rent by the next time we get paid.  My next paycheck is probably only going to be like $40.  It’s so fucking stressful because I could so easily make that into $150 paychecks if I would just open one day a week, but Weston  doesn’t want me to because he knows that I’ll get over-stressed…  This semester isn’t terrible and it’s halfway through and I’m doing fairly well in all of my classes, so I’m not concerned about getting over stressed about anything but money at this point.

I know that I just need to talk to him about it, about possibly pushing our vacation back another month or so, but like… I don’t know.  It’s so frustrating and I just…can’t right now.  I don’t want him to get mad at me.  I desperately need to talk to someone like my mother, but I don’t have a stupid fucking cell phone yet and I can’t call with Weston’s cell phone…

I just…I can’t.  I’m so tired of fighting to do the right thing and do everything by myself and then I come home and Weston gets mad at me for the dumbest thing and I get mad because I’m stressed out and I tell myself that I can’t do this, that I’m done, but I know that it’s just the stress that’s talking and I don’t know what I would do without him.  But then we fight and I can’t just fucking tell him what’s stressing me out because I can’t even begin.

I’m supposed to graduate from college next semester but I don’t even know how the fuck that’s going to work out right now.  I don’t know what my situation with grad school is.  The more I think about it, the more that the idea of teaching is more and more appealing…  And I don’t even want to think about moving to Canada right now…

  · October 4, 2013

Today was…not a very good day for me…

I miss the mountains and I miss being surrounded by nature and I miss my family and I just miss…everything.  I just want to go up into the mountains and wander.

Sometimes it really upsets me that Weston doesn’t find an enjoyment in nature and being outside surrounded by forest…  Sometimes it feels like I’ve lost some of the things that used to mean so much to me.  Though I guess that’s how growing up works, isn’t it?

  · September 30, 2013

How is it already almost October?  September flew by far too fast.  This school year is flying by far too fast.  Though perhaps that’s a very good thing, come to think of it…

Last night was rather wonderful. Weston was extremely sweet and loving last night.  I don’t know what came over him, but it was quite wonderful.  I’m not complaining or anything, just trying to record something…  It was different than his usual, that was for certain.  And, for once, we had sex and he made me finish twice without even finishing himself.  Granted, he had finished earlier in the day, but still…

I’ve given up on my cell phone pretty much completely.  I can’t get it to charge, no matter what I do.  I’ve decided on going into Verizon tomorrow after I get out of class and see if I can’t just get a new, different modeled phone.  Because this is the second phone of the same model that has crapped out on me, and I don’t even treat my phones badly at all.  Yet, for one reason or another, my sister has the same exact model phone and she hasn’t had a problem with it… For me, it’s been two different problems on the same model.  It’s kind of total bullshit, honestly.

Hopefully I can get them to let me get a completely different phone or something… because I don’t know how the fuck I’m going to deal with this…  Though I’m fairly certain I’m on a contract and can’t fucking get a different phone until that contract runs out.  God dammit…

I’m slightly angry with my dad because of it.  He went and got my sister and I the second cheapest phones they had while he got himself a brand new iPhone.  iPhones are total pieces of shit and ridiculous expensive.  He couldn’t just get us slightly nicer phones?  Ugh… Maybe I’m being selfish… Okay, yeah, I’m definitely probably being selfish.  But still.  It’s frustrating that I haven’t been able to just have a decent cell phone since I was on Altell with my mom in high school.  Fuck.

  · September 29, 2013

I have the cutest family ever.

My kitten is the sweetest cat and loves nothing more than playing fetch first thing in the morning when I’m not even awake yet.  She loves to give kisses and cuddle and lay on your face so that you’ll give her attention.  She curls up into the smallest little ball possible, when she’s laying down or sitting up.  And if she wants to play with you, she’ll sit there and stare at you, occasionally batting at the thing she wants you to throw for her and meowing softly.

Our older cat is a giant baby and loves nothing more than being coddled and cuddled and sleeping with us at night, curled up between our legs.  However, he hates being spoken to with a baby voice and has to constantly re-assert himself as the “manly man” of the house.

And then there is Weston, who is asleep and keeps reaching over to hold my hand while I am on the computer and he remains in bed, sleeping the morning away.  Things are peaceful and they are lovely and as his thumb moves in small circles along the top of my own hand, I have to think that I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I look forward to having today off with him, since we don’t get to spend nearly as much time with one another as we would like.  I love nothing more than having him come home and wrapping me up in his warm embrace.  I love waking up in the middle of the night with him curled into my back, arms wrapped tight around me…

It’s simple and easy, in the mornings, to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place.

  · September 27, 2013

It’s been one of those days where I don’t want to do anything.  It’s been cool and rainy all day, cloudy and dreary.  It’s one of those days where all I want to do is lie in bed and watch stupid videos on YouTube to pass the time and just sleep and cuddle and be warm.

I spent a couple of hours at the shop decorating cakes, which was fine and definitely good, considering I need the money.  It feels strange not making hardly any money after working so much for the past year and working in general for the past two years.  I’m tempted to ask my manager if I can open one day a week (Sundays or Fridays or something, I don’t particularly care) so that I can make at least $150 paychecks… The paycheck I got this week was only $41… Which means that Weston has to give me more money for rent and bills and the like and I have to watch what I buy food-wise and just in general.

I feel bad about spending money on myself, especially since I have been rather frivolous in my expenses the past month or so…  Granted, most of the things that I bought were things that I needed, but at the same time I just feel worse and worse about spending money on myself.  There’s a hoodie that I want to buy myself and I should probably buy another pair of pants, but I’m refraining so that I don’t have to dip into any of the money we have saved up for our Disney Land trip.  I’ve already had to dip into it a little bit, but like…gah…idfk…. -sigh-

I need to get off of my ass and finish cleaning the bedroom so that I can set up my sewing area and also move the bed back in there for the winter.  I need to buy a mattress pad so that I can sleep better without my joints positively killing me every day…  I need to clean the litter box (ew) and also clean the living room and attempt to try to get every last bit of trash out of here so that I can get rid of the fucking fruit flies that have been pestering us all fucking summer…

I’m rather tired and wish that I could have just relaxed and slept and cuddled with Weston all day.  But I’ll just have to wait until Sunday for that to happen, I suppose.  Oh well.

I guess I will attempt to get at least a little bit of bedroom cleaning done…  I would like to move back into the bedroom as soon as possible so that our living room can be an actual living room and won’t have to be such a goddamn mess all the time…

  · September 25, 2013 ;;

Writing is supposed to be inherently therapeutic.  I have a hard time keeping up with physical things like journals and things like just making personal updates daily in general.  I have a hard time keeping up with everything…  I have a hard time dedicating myself to one thing and sticking with it.  I couldn’t stick with dance or gymnastics or even art, the one true love of my life.

But I guess this is where it begins, with a start and trying to do something and trying to make a change in your life.  So here is my start.

I’ve been listening to Lindsey Stirling all evening, as her music calms me and there’s something about it that I just need at the moment.  I don’t know what that is, but I need it and so I am fulfilling that need.

Weston has convinced me to move to Canada with him next August.  The only problem is the fact that it’s going to be difficult to get approved for our visas and then finding a place and then moving there…  I suppose it wouldn’t be any less difficult than moving to Seattle next August, but there is still the matter of needing to get our visas and being approved to move there…  I don’t know what to tell my family or how to broach the subject.  I almost talked to my younger sister about it today, but I was afraid she would say something to my mother and then all hell would break loose…  I honestly don’t know how, at this point, we are going to be ready to move to an entirely different country within ten months.  There is no way it’s going to happen…

Though I suppose that it could and then I’ll just be proving myself wrong, won’t I?

I’m having a hard time sleeping lately.  For one reason or another, I don’t move positions when I am asleep, so I will wake up in the middle of the night with one side of my body extremely sore so that I can roll over, only to have the same thing happen a few hours later, or in the morning.  My hips killed me all day and last night it was my knees and I’m afraid that I’m already falling apart and just… I don’t know… I’ve been limping and walking differently for the past two days and my feet are really starting to feel it…

I’m hoping that I can find a thick, comfortable mattress pad of some sort to make my hard-as-fuck mattress more comfortable to sleep in for both Weston and I.  He doesn’t have any problems (aside from some minor neck trouble when his pillows get worn down over time) with it, but it’s starting to kill me and make it uncomfortable to pretty much do anything…

I also need to set up my sewing machine.  And draw and paint more.  And finish cleaning my house and move our bed back into the bedroom so that we can have our living room back and enjoy having our entire house to ourselves finally.  It’s around this time of night, when I am waiting for Weston to return home from work, that I become especially lonely and want nothing more than for him to be home just so that I can go to sleep with his arms around me.

It kills me that I can feel us drifting away from one another…