· June 27th, 2014 ;;

My bank account is in the red $600… I don’t know how the fuck this happened.  But my fuck-face credit card company fucked me big time this month.  I would have been fine with rent.  I had everything figured out finally an then they had to go and not cancel the payment that they forced upon me and now I need to somehow come up with twice the money for rent so we don’t get evicted.

I’m fucking sick of this bullshit stress.  I can’t fucking handle another month of constantly stressing out about money and worrying about whether or not we have enough money to eat or pay bills because, yes, hello, I’m an irresponsible piece of shit.  I don’t want to ask my mom for more money, I don’t want to ask Weston’s parents for more money, I don’t want to ask anyone for money.  Because I should have this figured out, and I did, but my fucking credit card fucked me even though I told them to cancel because I couldn’t pay until the end of the month when I got paid again…

What a bunch of fucking cunts.  I can’t fucking do this anymore.

  · June 25th, 2014 ;;

I came to the realization today that, had I not had to go through the ordeal of having an abortion in December, I would have had a child this month… 

I don’t regret doing it.  I don’t regret getting the abortion or making the decision to wait on having children.  I am in no position currently to have a child and support it, myself, my boyfriend, and our cats.  Granted, he’s the one supporting our family right now, but I know that neither of us are prepared to have children right now.  Which is fine, really.  I just felt like making a post about it.  I was apparently 14 weeks when it happened… If I had known about it sooner, I would have gotten it taken care of sooner.  But my periods were so erratic and over the place, that I had no idea when I’d gotten pregnant or anything.

I haven’t been able to afford to get more birth control for the last month, but I’m planning on getting some at some point this week…  I hate the birth control I’m on, but it’s the only choice I’ve got in terms of preventing another unwanted pregnancy.  I don’t want to go through that ordeal again, and certainly don’t need to. 

honestly, I’m glad that I didn’t have the child or go through with the pregnancy.  My relationship would have likely been over by now because of the stress, I probably wouldn’t have been able to finish school as planned… My life would have been effectively over.  I commend my mom for having me when she did, at twenty years old, because I effectively “ruined” her young adult life.  I still want kids, but…now is not the time.

I haven’t told my mom, or most of my friends or pretty much anyone who knows me personally about it.  Because I feel it isn’t something that they should know.  People are so judgmental about it all, who cares?  Why should I tell anyone?  I like having this side blog for my extraneous thoughts that I cannot write upon my main blog…  And, honestly, I’m still not entirely sure why I felt the need to take a break from cleaning our bedroom to sit down and write this out.  Just something that needed out of my head, I suppose…

Exhausted…stressed out… I’m still $450 short of rent this month and don’t even get me started about how the fuck I’m going to pay for food and shit for the next week and a half… I can’t bring myself to ask my mom for money… I can’t bring myself to ask Weston’s parents for money…. I can’t ask my dad for money again.

I’m just fucked.  I’m fucked, and there’s no way around that.

I need to call my mom and ask to borrow money today because, ha, hello, Trinity is negative in her fucking bank account, still hasn’t paid rent yet, and even though Weston gets paid tomorrow we still won’t have enough money for rent.  I need to stop being such an irresponsible fuck face and grow the fuck up and take better track of our money again.  Idfk what happened the last couple of months, but I’ve just royally fucked myself over time and again and it needs to end.  Now.

After this month, I’m not doing this shit anymore.  My bank account isn’t going to go down ever.  I’m going to have enough money for rent.  Because I can’t fucking deal with this stress anymore.  I’m sick and tired of making myself sick.

I don’t want to ask my mom for money, though, because I know she’s going on vacation to Oregon on Monday and doesn’t have much money as it is.  But I don’t know what else to do.  I can’t ask my dad for money again because I don’t want to be the child that needs her daddy to bail her out and only talks to him when I need money, because that’s not the kind of person I want to be.

I might have to call Weston’s parents and be like “so please don’t tell Weston but would it be possible for you to…you know, pay us back what you owe us for living here for a fucking year?”  But I don’t want to do that, either.

I’m so sick of feeling like I’m royally fucked.  Because I am royally fucked and I don’t know what I can do about it or even how to go about fixing it.

Just had to ask my dad for money because I’m irresponsible, apparently, and god dammit I feel like such a piece of shit… -dies-

  · October 24, 2013

I honestly just don’t feel like doing anything anymore.

Between my boyfriend and I drifting apart and never hanging out and no foreseeable solution to keep us together and then the shit that school just threw at me today… I just don’t want to do it.

I wish that my mom wasn’t napping so that I could call her and cry and not feel bad about being upset over what happened today.  Four years in college and I still don’t get to graduate until next fucking December.  I need to take fifteen credits next semester and then at least thirteen credits the semester after that.  Or vice versa.  Which is bullshit, because the only class I can take that will get me to thirteen credits is a fucking science class and I really, really do not want to do that.

I thought that I was on track with my credits and classes and everything, but no.  My advisor failed to tell me, all the times that I went in to talk to him about my scheduling and whether or not I was on track, that I was not, in fact, on track.  I’m so frustrated and upset.  And it doesn’t help that I’ve been kind of stressed out over the fact that Weston and I don’t spend any time together any more and we’re more or less just roommates that have sex sometimes and get told “I love you” every now and again rather than in an actual relationship.

I feel horrible about it.  Because I just ruined Weston’s plans to go to Canada next August and, if we go, we’ll either have to move to a place that has a rare six month lease, or we’ll have to renew this lease and move in August 2015.  If we’re even still together at that point…  Things are looking grimmer and grimmer on that respect and I have no idea what the fuck to do about any of it.  I just…feel so lost right now.  Because everything that I was hoping for has just crumbled before me and I don’t know what to do about it.

I mean, honestly, another semester is not that big a deal.  But it means that I don’t get to see any of my family for another year and that sucks for me because I really do miss them terribly.  I mean…fuck.  At this point, I don’t want to do anything right now.  I don’t know.  I’m just so frustrated because I thought that I was going to be able to be done with school and not have to stress out or worry about it anymore, but no.

And, to top it off, I think I may  have maxed out the amount of student loans I can take out.  So I don’t even know if I can get financial aid to go for a single fucking semester next year…

Ugh.  Fuck it.  I don’t care anymore…

  · October 10, 2013

I don’t know exactly what there is to say right now…

I continually grow more and more stressed out over not making any money… My last paycheck (which I picked up on Monday) was $66.  I have $19 left in my bank account, not counting the DisneyLand money I’ve been trying to not touch, even though it’s down to $986 or something because I was an idiot and over-spent and stupid things… My credit card is almost maxed out… I don’t want to tell Weston about all of these fucking problems with money that I’m having because I don’t want him to worry about it… But it’s a constant stress factor.  I have to somehow barely spend $75 out of Weston’s paycheck tomorrow on food and his phone bill (which will be $20) so that we have half of our rent by the next time we get paid.  My next paycheck is probably only going to be like $40.  It’s so fucking stressful because I could so easily make that into $150 paychecks if I would just open one day a week, but Weston  doesn’t want me to because he knows that I’ll get over-stressed…  This semester isn’t terrible and it’s halfway through and I’m doing fairly well in all of my classes, so I’m not concerned about getting over stressed about anything but money at this point.

I know that I just need to talk to him about it, about possibly pushing our vacation back another month or so, but like… I don’t know.  It’s so frustrating and I just…can’t right now.  I don’t want him to get mad at me.  I desperately need to talk to someone like my mother, but I don’t have a stupid fucking cell phone yet and I can’t call with Weston’s cell phone…

I just…I can’t.  I’m so tired of fighting to do the right thing and do everything by myself and then I come home and Weston gets mad at me for the dumbest thing and I get mad because I’m stressed out and I tell myself that I can’t do this, that I’m done, but I know that it’s just the stress that’s talking and I don’t know what I would do without him.  But then we fight and I can’t just fucking tell him what’s stressing me out because I can’t even begin.

I’m supposed to graduate from college next semester but I don’t even know how the fuck that’s going to work out right now.  I don’t know what my situation with grad school is.  The more I think about it, the more that the idea of teaching is more and more appealing…  And I don’t even want to think about moving to Canada right now…

  · October 4, 2013

Today was…not a very good day for me…

I miss the mountains and I miss being surrounded by nature and I miss my family and I just miss…everything.  I just want to go up into the mountains and wander.

Sometimes it really upsets me that Weston doesn’t find an enjoyment in nature and being outside surrounded by forest…  Sometimes it feels like I’ve lost some of the things that used to mean so much to me.  Though I guess that’s how growing up works, isn’t it?

  · September 30, 2013

How is it already almost October?  September flew by far too fast.  This school year is flying by far too fast.  Though perhaps that’s a very good thing, come to think of it…

Last night was rather wonderful. Weston was extremely sweet and loving last night.  I don’t know what came over him, but it was quite wonderful.  I’m not complaining or anything, just trying to record something…  It was different than his usual, that was for certain.  And, for once, we had sex and he made me finish twice without even finishing himself.  Granted, he had finished earlier in the day, but still…

I’ve given up on my cell phone pretty much completely.  I can’t get it to charge, no matter what I do.  I’ve decided on going into Verizon tomorrow after I get out of class and see if I can’t just get a new, different modeled phone.  Because this is the second phone of the same model that has crapped out on me, and I don’t even treat my phones badly at all.  Yet, for one reason or another, my sister has the same exact model phone and she hasn’t had a problem with it… For me, it’s been two different problems on the same model.  It’s kind of total bullshit, honestly.

Hopefully I can get them to let me get a completely different phone or something… because I don’t know how the fuck I’m going to deal with this…  Though I’m fairly certain I’m on a contract and can’t fucking get a different phone until that contract runs out.  God dammit…

I’m slightly angry with my dad because of it.  He went and got my sister and I the second cheapest phones they had while he got himself a brand new iPhone.  iPhones are total pieces of shit and ridiculous expensive.  He couldn’t just get us slightly nicer phones?  Ugh… Maybe I’m being selfish… Okay, yeah, I’m definitely probably being selfish.  But still.  It’s frustrating that I haven’t been able to just have a decent cell phone since I was on Altell with my mom in high school.  Fuck.

  · September 29, 2013

I have the cutest family ever.

My kitten is the sweetest cat and loves nothing more than playing fetch first thing in the morning when I’m not even awake yet.  She loves to give kisses and cuddle and lay on your face so that you’ll give her attention.  She curls up into the smallest little ball possible, when she’s laying down or sitting up.  And if she wants to play with you, she’ll sit there and stare at you, occasionally batting at the thing she wants you to throw for her and meowing softly.

Our older cat is a giant baby and loves nothing more than being coddled and cuddled and sleeping with us at night, curled up between our legs.  However, he hates being spoken to with a baby voice and has to constantly re-assert himself as the “manly man” of the house.

And then there is Weston, who is asleep and keeps reaching over to hold my hand while I am on the computer and he remains in bed, sleeping the morning away.  Things are peaceful and they are lovely and as his thumb moves in small circles along the top of my own hand, I have to think that I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I look forward to having today off with him, since we don’t get to spend nearly as much time with one another as we would like.  I love nothing more than having him come home and wrapping me up in his warm embrace.  I love waking up in the middle of the night with him curled into my back, arms wrapped tight around me…

It’s simple and easy, in the mornings, to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place.